Several You’s.
I’m angry at you today. I’m angry that when I logged into my face book that you had added a person to your friend’s list that you knew had hurt me. Not an argument or a little fight. But a person who went out of their way to attack me, attack my motherhood, attack my play, attack and fucking stalk me, realm to fucking realm. I’m angry at you for not loving me more. I’m angry at you for being a shitty friend when I’ve tried to show you, time and time again, how a loyal friend behaves. How to love someone without turning your back on them when it best suits you. I’m angry at you for being a coward. I’m angry that you held my children, I’m angry that you pretend to love me. And I’m angry that I wasted 7 years of my life, thinking that I was as important to you as you were to me. I’m angry…that I don’t want to be your friend anymore. You need me, more than I need you, and even then, that’s not saying much, is it?
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I’m angry at you for not letting me express myself. I’m angry that you make me see reason. I’m angry that you make me steady and sure of myself when all I want to do is scream and yell and stomp and fight. When all I want to do is be strong again, feel that control of being out of control, and you talk me into calm and submissive. I’m angry that I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore.
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I’m furious with you. I’m not your dirty fucking secret. I’m tired of being non-existent. I’m tired of the excuses and I’m tired of the promises that sit in purgatory, waiting for you to snatch them out and make them known. You can’t bury them. If you bury them, you’re going to bury us. Don’t you see the damage here?
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I’m angry at you, and you and you and you. I’m tired and angry and I just…need to feel more than calm.
