27 years
I wouldn’t say that my life has been long, but I have lived a long life. Today is my 27th birthday, and I don’t feel any older; at least not physically. But I’ve found myself reflecting on my life and the decisions that I’ve made which have put me in the place I am today.
And right now, instead of focusing on my mother, or my biological family, I choose to focus on my past relationships and what I learned from each of them.
So, in chronological order…we have….
Bobby – My son’s father. I met Bobby on the internet when I was 16 years old through a Gorean Roleplay chat that my sister Rachel introduced me to. He was brooding and dark and mysterious and he had this way of capturing me. I loved him, and for 2 years, most of it was in silence. The day I told him, was the day that he told me goodbye. I’ve never had my heart broken by one person so many times in my life as I have with Bobby.
This would go on for several years…and though I love him still, I’ve learned that love evolves and changes.
Marni – I miss her sometimes, and I fell in love with her completely by accident. I kissed her by accident, I wanted her by accident, I touched her and felt her and tasted her…by accident. She held me afloat in dark waters, shielded me from pain and hurt, and loved me. I lost her. It was my own fault. And when I found her again, nothing that we were remained. She’d turned what we had into something ugly, and dirty and she was embarrassed to be loved by me. I haven’t spoken with Marni since January of 2002.
I still love you.
Michael – My first Master. I was his first slave. An 18 year old girl that he would tote on his arm as if she were his shiny new penny, and though inside somewhere I knew it was shallow, I loved him. I wanted to be the slave he needed, but he wanted less than I could give, and more than I had in me. He wanted parts of me that I had yet to discover, but he didn’t want to work to uncover any of them. I left him too, but his wife ruined it, not me.
Byron – Father figure in some ways, frightened me to the point of trembling with a cool look from those chocolate brown eyes. Where Michael was fun and young, Byron was always in control, had this amazing way of making me feel beautiful even as he kept me low at his feet. No one in my entire life ever held me as I wept, like Byron. Married and happy now, living a lifestyle that I cannot touch anymore.
I will always admire and love you, My Teacher…my one true Master.
Chris – You made me feel dark and devious, giddy and warm, sensual and everything a woman wanted to feel, in just…one kiss. Desperate to taste you and feel you, never getting all of it, and just teased. I remember the night we swapped underwear in the car, drunk and on the way back to my apartment after a party. Mine were so much cuter than yours. Who wears plain white boxers anyway? Heh.
It hurts that you don’t remember the things you made me feel, but I don’t know if I ever really told you. Perhaps I just expected you to know.
John – Insecure, mean….I loved you, because you wouldn’t love me back. I loved you, because I was so used to being abused, and you gave that back to me, that I thought it was all I deserved. I kept doing it wrong, it was all my fault…all my fault until I realized…it wasn’t. I said goodbye to you twice. And though I loved you then, I have nothing left in my heart for you now.
I wish you peace.
Leland – My Daughter’s Father. I never loved you, you were just someone to pre-occupy my time. Oh, I thought I did…but I know now that it wasn’t love, but desperation that kept me close to you. I have nothing left to say. Everyone makes mistakes, thank god I have a beautiful daughter to benefit from that one.
Dustin – You made me feel like I could fly, beautiful and secretive and wonderful. It was a terrible situation I should have never allowed my self to get into…all…three…times. I won’t lie…sex with you…was a religious experience, but it wasn’t worth the rest of the shit that came with it, not even close. You weren’t a very good kisser.
Jarod – I love you still, in my own way, thought you’re a complete, self absorbed, loathing bastard at times. I know your heart, and I wish you’d stop making yourself miserable. I kept our secret from your sister for 2 years and I told her last summer. She wasn’t as mad as I thought she would be. You were wrong. I could have loved you openly and I never got that chance.
Stephen – I love you now, in my own way I suppose. We’ve spent the last two years teasing each other, but your teasing was far more cruel than mine. I’m everything in life that you want and you need, but I’m too much reality and you’re to unwilling to give up the life of bachelor-hood. It’s a shame, really…we’ll just keep pretending until one of us is married. It can’t go one forever.
Peter – You confused me, I thought you cared more than you did, and at times I thought you cared less than you do. Things have changed, you’ve changed, your life and your needs from when we first became close. But I miss your arms around me, and the brush of your whiskers at the back of my neck when we sleep. I miss laughing and teasing, and I miss the looks…
I wish you weren’t such a flake.
Grant – I never loved you, but I could see myself falling for you the moment your eyes caught mine. And your kiss, will be the one that burns in my mind, and lights my way through the dark for years to come. That is the kiss, I will compare every kiss to for the rest of my life.
That’s it….and I look back and I realize that my life has been full of emotional highs and plummeting lows. I’ve loved, and I’ve been loved, and life has been good far more than I allowed myself to accept. Were they fairytales? No. Were they perfect? Nothing ever is. But for a reflection on the past…
Not too bad….
Fayne
