How could you…
I’m a pro and knowing when shit is getting bad, disintegrating, or just going in a direction I don’t want it to go..I’m a pro at giving advice about these things as well, but for the life of me, I’m fucking retarded as shit about taking my own advice.
Found out today that Stephen has a new girlfriend, proclaiming her the love of his life. For the last two years, he’s made promises to me, for the last two years he’s done nothing but talk a big game, making promises, offering me exactly what I wanted to hear, and never delivering. I’ve seen him go through two girlfriends and a multitude of women in the last two years, and every time something stops working for him, he comes back.
Well, not anymore.
I’m not going to rant, or rave, I’m not going to cry or throw anything. I’m just going to take my own advice, and walk the fuck away.
Bye Stephen, I’d like to say that knowing you has improved my life somehow, but now I realize that you were just a pipe dream. Self indulgent and hypocritical. When it doesn’t work out this time. Don’t call. I’m done caring and catering to your ego.
Fayne
27 years
I wouldn’t say that my life has been long, but I have lived a long life. Today is my 27th birthday, and I don’t feel any older; at least not physically. But I’ve found myself reflecting on my life and the decisions that I’ve made which have put me in the place I am today.
And right now, instead of focusing on my mother, or my biological family, I choose to focus on my past relationships and what I learned from each of them.
So, in chronological order…we have….
Bobby – My son’s father. I met Bobby on the internet when I was 16 years old through a Gorean Roleplay chat that my sister Rachel introduced me to. He was brooding and dark and mysterious and he had this way of capturing me. I loved him, and for 2 years, most of it was in silence. The day I told him, was the day that he told me goodbye. I’ve never had my heart broken by one person so many times in my life as I have with Bobby.
This would go on for several years…and though I love him still, I’ve learned that love evolves and changes.
Marni – I miss her sometimes, and I fell in love with her completely by accident. I kissed her by accident, I wanted her by accident, I touched her and felt her and tasted her…by accident. She held me afloat in dark waters, shielded me from pain and hurt, and loved me. I lost her. It was my own fault. And when I found her again, nothing that we were remained. She’d turned what we had into something ugly, and dirty and she was embarrassed to be loved by me. I haven’t spoken with Marni since January of 2002.
I still love you.
Michael – My first Master. I was his first slave. An 18 year old girl that he would tote on his arm as if she were his shiny new penny, and though inside somewhere I knew it was shallow, I loved him. I wanted to be the slave he needed, but he wanted less than I could give, and more than I had in me. He wanted parts of me that I had yet to discover, but he didn’t want to work to uncover any of them. I left him too, but his wife ruined it, not me.
Byron – Father figure in some ways, frightened me to the point of trembling with a cool look from those chocolate brown eyes. Where Michael was fun and young, Byron was always in control, had this amazing way of making me feel beautiful even as he kept me low at his feet. No one in my entire life ever held me as I wept, like Byron. Married and happy now, living a lifestyle that I cannot touch anymore.
I will always admire and love you, My Teacher…my one true Master.
Chris – You made me feel dark and devious, giddy and warm, sensual and everything a woman wanted to feel, in just…one kiss. Desperate to taste you and feel you, never getting all of it, and just teased. I remember the night we swapped underwear in the car, drunk and on the way back to my apartment after a party. Mine were so much cuter than yours. Who wears plain white boxers anyway? Heh.
It hurts that you don’t remember the things you made me feel, but I don’t know if I ever really told you. Perhaps I just expected you to know.
John – Insecure, mean….I loved you, because you wouldn’t love me back. I loved you, because I was so used to being abused, and you gave that back to me, that I thought it was all I deserved. I kept doing it wrong, it was all my fault…all my fault until I realized…it wasn’t. I said goodbye to you twice. And though I loved you then, I have nothing left in my heart for you now.
I wish you peace.
Leland – My Daughter’s Father. I never loved you, you were just someone to pre-occupy my time. Oh, I thought I did…but I know now that it wasn’t love, but desperation that kept me close to you. I have nothing left to say. Everyone makes mistakes, thank god I have a beautiful daughter to benefit from that one.
Dustin – You made me feel like I could fly, beautiful and secretive and wonderful. It was a terrible situation I should have never allowed my self to get into…all…three…times. I won’t lie…sex with you…was a religious experience, but it wasn’t worth the rest of the shit that came with it, not even close. You weren’t a very good kisser.
Jarod – I love you still, in my own way, thought you’re a complete, self absorbed, loathing bastard at times. I know your heart, and I wish you’d stop making yourself miserable. I kept our secret from your sister for 2 years and I told her last summer. She wasn’t as mad as I thought she would be. You were wrong. I could have loved you openly and I never got that chance.
Stephen – I love you now, in my own way I suppose. We’ve spent the last two years teasing each other, but your teasing was far more cruel than mine. I’m everything in life that you want and you need, but I’m too much reality and you’re to unwilling to give up the life of bachelor-hood. It’s a shame, really…we’ll just keep pretending until one of us is married. It can’t go one forever.
Peter – You confused me, I thought you cared more than you did, and at times I thought you cared less than you do. Things have changed, you’ve changed, your life and your needs from when we first became close. But I miss your arms around me, and the brush of your whiskers at the back of my neck when we sleep. I miss laughing and teasing, and I miss the looks…
I wish you weren’t such a flake.
Grant – I never loved you, but I could see myself falling for you the moment your eyes caught mine. And your kiss, will be the one that burns in my mind, and lights my way through the dark for years to come. That is the kiss, I will compare every kiss to for the rest of my life.
That’s it….and I look back and I realize that my life has been full of emotional highs and plummeting lows. I’ve loved, and I’ve been loved, and life has been good far more than I allowed myself to accept. Were they fairytales? No. Were they perfect? Nothing ever is. But for a reflection on the past…
Not too bad….
Fayne
Another Letter from Mommy Dearest
So is this what you plan on doing, just blowing me off like this. I would like for you to tell me what did I do to you????????????????????????????. Thank you for the Birthday card and Mother’s day card. I really look forward to them every year from you. Oh, thats right, I am the last one on your list. Well I will tell you that you will regret this one of these days. The next move is yours.
Your Mother
Dear Egg Donor,
Yes, this is exactly what I plan on doing, just blowing you off. Isn’t it just driving your crazy? Like a pin prick in your skin, poking you over and over and over again? I’m laughing at your predictability; I want you to know that. You have no idea what to do with yourself when someone won’t fight with you, do you? You have no idea how to handle life, when someone isn’t giving you a chance to yell at them, do you?
Oh, I never thought having this much control over you could be so fun, look what I’ve been missing out on my entire life! You spent the better half of my childhood blowing me off; I guess turnabout is fair fucking play, isn’t it? Don’t like the cold shoulder? Good, I hope it hurts; in fact I’m glad it hurts. I don’t feel remorse for removing myself from the situation. I don’t feel sad because I don’t have a mother who I never had in the first place. I don’t feel guilty because you’re feeling left out of my life. Sorry, guess I’m just a cold hearted bitch, or maybe I’m just tired of your fucking mouth and your bullshit?
Maybe I’m just tired of your double-fucking-standards and your pity me, pathetic, fuck you tactics to try and win something back that never existed in the first place. Let’s be frank with each other. You don’t like me, I don’t like you, my children don’t like you and the only reason you’re emailing me is to try and regain your foothold of control in the relationship. Well guess what? I’ve taken away all of your control, and you can email me as many times as you want, and I’ll just continue to ignore them, again…and again…and again. And perhaps one day you’ll realize and accept that I just don’t need your drama, your hate and your anger as a part of my and my children’s lives. In fact, not only do I not need it, but I refuse to allow it in.
Your poison, your whole bloodline is poison, no wonder my dad got out when he could, you’re fucking crazy the lot of you. I’ve –just- started getting myself under control, -just- started settling out my life and turning it into what I want it to be and I will be damned if you’re going to come back in with your disapproving frown and your 8th grade education and tell me that I’m not doing it your way. Obviously, your way was the wrong way. Take a nice long look around at yourself, your life and your husband. You’re miserable, your life is unhappy, your only child doesn’t speak to you and you have no contact with your grandchildren.
You’re worthless because you choose to be, and I don’t associate with worthless, unintelligent trailer trash. So I guess that rules you and the rest of those white trash bastards right out, doesn’t it?
Do you lie in bed and cry at night? Good.
Do you look at my pictures and become sad? Good.
Does it hurt like a knife in your heart, knowing that you mean so little to me that I can discard you like a piece of trash? Good.
Now you’re getting a fucking taste of what you fucking did to me.
Have a nice life,
Fayne
PS. Your husband smokes pot behind your back. Second shelf of the pump house on the left hand side as you walk in. If you’d waddle your fat ass away from the couch long enough to look around you might actually see it.
